"Monday" and "FML" are basically synonymous. And everyone knows that Sunday is basically pre-Monday. There's very little to look forward to... except the end of the week's funniest tweets. Here are 15 of the best. [...]
Sun, Feb 18, 2018, Continue reading at the source
Today, during a judo session, I was paired with a thin, frail-looking rookie. Before a mock skirmish, as I'm much bigger, I said I'd take it easy on her, but also to give it her best shot. She immediately threw me on my face to the floor, knocking me out cold in 7 seconds. FML [...]
Sun, Feb 18, 2018, Continue reading at the source
Today, my girlfriend told me that I have “too much foreskin” and that I'd need to get circumcised if we were going to stay together. I'm already circumcised. FML [...]
Sat, Feb 17, 2018, Continue reading at the source
Today, I realized all of my boyfriend's and my dirty messages were being sent to my mom because I'd logged into messenger on her phone once without logging out. She sat me down and said, "I know your mouth's been on his wee wee." FML [...]
Sat, Feb 17, 2018, Continue reading at the source
Getting the fortune cookie at the end of your Chinese takeout meal is arguably the best part of the entire meal. Is it that bland, cardboard-ish taste that people look forward to most? Hardly. We all know what it's about. We didn't come here for the szechwan chicken or the egg rolls (though, to be fair, they are a delicious bonus.) No, we're here for the fortune inside the cookie. And if that cookie has [...]
Sat, Feb 17, 2018, Continue reading at the source
Today, it was my first day at a new gym, which cost a fortune. Some skinny teen who had clearly never lifted in his life dropped a weight while I was stretching and broke my ankle. Money down the drain. FML [...]
Sat, Feb 17, 2018, Continue reading at the source
The tally is in! We've rounded up the best comments from this past week's FMLs. From literature to linguistics, we've got it all. Enjoy! [...]
Sat, Feb 17, 2018, Continue reading at the source
Today, accustomed to dealing with my old car's faulty accelerator, I pressed the pedal way too hard in my new car and crashed into a pillar, totaling the engine and giving myself a concussion. I could still see the dealership down the street. FML [...]
Sat, Feb 17, 2018, Continue reading at the source
Today, my girlfriend told me that she's pregnant. She'd told me she was on birth control, so I asked her to show me. She had been sticking the pills up her vagina like a suppository. FML [...]
Sat, Feb 17, 2018, Continue reading at the source
Today, I discovered the terrible things my parents say about my wife while visiting them. They speak in Arabic around us and I've never really been able to understand them. Guess who hasn't only brushed up on his Arabic, but spent the last 6 months teaching his wife. FML [...]
Fri, Feb 16, 2018, Continue reading at the source